Tales of the most stupid DiabloII Adventurers ever
by Kyfra
Summary: Not much sleeping time... Playing Diablo II a BIT too much... A lot of caffeine and sugar and you get this... Excuse all typos there are many that I just noticed afterwards and I learnt that correcting a chaptered story is a pain in the... ^^;;
1. The Beginning of it All. (Den of Evil Qu...

(Note : Thanks to Tiger, Samantha and *Evil grin* JONATHAN for some of the funny ideas used in this text By the way, I'm someone who has been playing DII for about a year now. Please review! Without any further delay, let's begin!)  
  
  
  
*In the lobby of Diablo II, Lord of Destruction*  
  
Necromancer: My dear group, I have good news to announce! I just got level 30 and the skill bone spirit.  
  
Barbarian: What? Use simple words!  
  
Necromancer: He sighed. Me got level three-zero, me bone spirit your ass.  
  
Barbarian: ... He glared at the necromancer. In next game, me hostile you and whirlwind you! me level... level... me don't know numbers!  
  
Sorceress: Let me help you, level 32...  
  
Barbarian: ...  
  
Paladin: Stop the fighting or else I will challenge you in order to stop it!  
  
Sorceress: Didn't you just say you didn't want fighting?  
  
Paladin: I fight for others! I will fight to stop them. I want peace in this world! The power of holy---  
  
The necromancer took tape and taped his mouth.  
  
Necromancer: Phew, I felt like in a fairy tale...  
  
Amazon: Happy endings forever! Hehehe, by the way, I'm maybe blonde but the barbarian is simply stupid.  
  
Barbarian: ARGH! RAH!  
  
Druid: He howled. Erm, excuse me but my animal instincts are taking over me...  
  
Everybody moved away from the Druid.  
  
Necromancer: Last time the Druid transformed in his wolf form, he humped my poor skeletons...  
  
Druid: It's not my fault!  
  
Paladin: You have to excuse the poor defenceless man, it really ISN'T his fault!  
  
Assassin: I think we should get going, I wanna kill something! Blood! Blood!  
  
Amazon: Ok, so we're only level 30 to 40 but we already killed Baal in normal mode. On to the nightmare difficulty! We will have to stay close not to get killed!  
  
Sorceress: Ok all! Join the game 'Diablo 2 Adventurers!'  
  
Everybody joined but the Barbarian and the Bmazon.  
  
**5 minutes later**  
  
Druid:Well, where are they? I'm tired of waiting!  
  
Barbarian has joined our world. Diablo's minions grow stronger.  
  
Amazon has joined our world. Diablo's minions grow stronger.  
  
Assassin:Where were you guys?  
  
Amazon: I'll tell you exactly!:  
  
'Barbarian: No problem... Stay close! He moved closer to the Amazon. Smmmmooooootttttthhhhh....  
  
Amazon: Hey! Don't touch that! *SMACKS*  
  
Barbarian: Uh? What's this new hole for?  
  
Amazon: It's for my spear to get through your foot!'  
  
  
  
Everybody looked at each other quietly.  
  
Druid: Let's go, quest one is the Den of Evil!  
  
Paladin: I don't even like the name...  
  
Necromancer: No! Sounds like music to my ears!  
  
Sorceress: Well, anyway let's go!  
  
They headed out of Rogues Encampment and entered the Den of Evil.  
  
Paladin: This dark cave is filled with demons and their summons... The smell of rot already fills my lungs and the fear of death awaits at each of our further steps...  
  
Sorceress: To be honest, this place creeps me out too...  
  
Barbarian: Place dark and cold... Skin feels like sandpaper...  
  
Amazon: All this slime everywhere and dirt and squeletons! Gross!  
  
Assassin: Even my beloved Shadow summon seems less corrupted and threatening than this place!  
  
The druid transformed in his bear form.  
  
Druid: I wouldn't hibernate in a place like this!  
  
Necromancer: Do you think they rent?  
  
Everybody: ...  
  
The started cleaning the Den of Evil and a bright light filled it.  
  
Paladin: Holy triumphs once more! The Rogues will be free to come here once more---  
  
Necromancer: Didn't I tape his mouth earlier?!  
  
He cast a tp to go back to town.  
  
Necromancer has expressed hostility toward Paladin.  
  
He went back in the Den, ready to attack.  
  
Paladin: No! Let's not fight here, if someone dies, we will lose experience!  
  
Shadow Knight joined our world.Diablo's minions grow stronger.  
  
Barbarian: Who's that?  
  
Druid: Hey! You're no Diablo character, what are you doing here?  
  
Shadow Knight: Well, I'm the creator of this...  
  
Paladin: Holy! That's a goddess! Creator of all!  
  
Shadow Knight: Erm no, I'm just an author. She sweatdropped. Guys I just wanted to tell you that in this, there will be no experience loss even in nightmare difficulty because it wouldn't make sense.  
  
Necromancer was slained by Paladin.  
  
Necromancer: Why did you kill me?! I wasn't even ready!  
  
Paladin: Well, she said there was no experience loss and you hostiled me so your evil! I fight for the good!  
  
Sorceress: Get your corspe and let's continue!  
  
Shadow Knight has left our world.Diablo's minions weaken.  
  
Assassin: Next quest, Blood Raven! 


	2. Summoners Fight! (Blood Raven Quest)

Our heros walked out of the Den, passed the Cold Plains and walked into Burial Grounds. The Necromancer killed some monsters on the way to create summons.  
  
Assassin: Let's kill Blood Raven!  
  
Sorceress: A plan to attack...  
  
Necromancer: Let me see...  
  
Barbarian: We walk! We hit! They die!  
  
Sorceress: Ok, sounds good to me!  
  
Paladin: Let's go!  
  
They all started walking in the graveyard.  
  
Blood Raven: My army will destroy you!  
  
Necromancer: Are you kidding? That army of zombies?  
  
Blood Raven: Are you mocking me?  
  
Necromancer: My skeletons are ten times better!  
  
Blood Raven: I can attack with my bow and my fire arrows too!  
  
Necromancer: I have my curses, bone spirits and bone spears!  
  
Blood Raven: I do more damage than you!  
  
Necromancer: No way!  
  
Blood Raven: Really?! At least I don't need corspes to summon my army!  
  
The Necromancer and Blood Raven looked around them. Everything was dead.  
  
Blood Raven: Argh! I got too absorbed in our little fight, I didn't notice everything dieing! I think I'm in trouble...  
  
The Assassin sliced her neck.  
  
Paladin: Thanks for the diversion! You finally did something good.  
  
Necromancer: ...  
  
Amazon: Hehehe! Back to Rogues Camp for our reward from Kashya!  
  
Sorceress: Yay mercenaries!  
  
Barbarian: Mercenary is a girl! Girls are smmmmmmoooooooth!  
  
Amazon: They're amazons too! I don't think you want another hole in you foot!  
  
Barbarian: ... ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
The Druid opened a Town Portal and everybody went to see Kashya.  
  
Paladin: We slained Blood Raven, our reward please?  
  
Kashya: What reward?  
  
Barbarian: Mercenaries!!!  
  
Kashya: I'm sorry but I'm on strike, as well as all the other rogues. They're not working so I cannot give you that reward.  
  
The group has expressed hostility toward Kashya.  
  
Shadow Knight has joined our world. Diablo's minions grow stronger.  
  
Necromancer: What? That girl again!  
  
Shadow Knight: Group, it's not in your lines that you express hostility toward Kashya, therefore it is impossible!  
  
The group is no longer hostile toward Kashya.  
  
Sorceress: Better?! Now leave us alone!  
  
Shadow Knight: Until next time!  
  
Shadow Knight has left our world. Diablo's minions weaken.  
  
Paladin: Well, we helped the world get rid of a fiend! Let's forget the reward!  
  
Barbarian: My merc...  
  
Assassin: Next quest! Deckard Cain!  
  
Barbarian: Dickard Cain?  
  
Sorceress: Deckard Cain! Not Dickard!  
  
Amazon: Guys are stupid...  
  
Assassin: I'd be careful if I were you, there isn't only the barbarian in here who's a guy... Next quest!!!! 


	3. Raka-Thingies and Map Hacks... (Deckard ...

The courageous adventurers went back to Cold Plains using the Waypoint and found Stony Fields.  
  
Sorceress: Ok I think we should split up! Part of our group goes to Dark Woods to get the scroll we need in order to open the portal to Tristam to rescue Cain and the other part of the group find the stones in here, kill the enemies around them, make a Town portal and wait for others to get back!  
  
Paladin: How come you always come up with strategies?  
  
Sorceress: Well, in all the books I carry for spells. She pulled out a small book. I have the official Diablo II Expansion pack strategy guide!  
  
Amazon: A wimp with her books...  
  
Sorceress: What did you say?! Did I hear right?!  
  
Amazon: I SAID A WIMP WITH HER BOOKS! She repeated loud enough for all enemies to hear as well.  
  
Sorceress: Oh... Ok... Thought so... Sorry!  
  
Druid: So, who's going to Dark Woods?  
  
Necromancer: Me! Me! Me!  
  
Paladin: If he goes, I'm staying here! Besides, the name says 'Dark'. I'm not willing to go.  
  
Necromancer: ...  
  
Assassin: I'll go with him! This name sounds full of stuff to kill!  
  
Sorceress: I'll stay here to guide the others...  
  
Amazon: I'll stay here as well, I don't wanna go with GUYS!  
  
Sorceress: Well, the assassin isn't a guy.  
  
Amazon: It's as if she was! She's the number 1 tomboy! She said not loud enough for the assassin to hear.  
  
Barbarian: Me go!  
  
Druid: I think I'll stay here, we'll reduce the lag if me and the Necromancer aren't at the same place, at the same time.  
  
The group splitted up as planned. The first part found the stones with no problem...  
  
Paladin: What's that funny little thing over there?  
  
"Unknown Monster": RRRRRRRAKANISHU!!!!!!!  
  
Sorceress: Let's see... She opened the strategy guide. His name is Rakanishu...  
  
Amazon: We already know...  
  
Sorceress: He has a lightning attack that can zap and fry his enem... it smells like something is burning...  
  
Druid: MY FUR! Look what you have done to it Raka-thingie!  
  
Rakanishu: R-R-R-R-R-R-R-A-K-A-N-I-S-H-U!  
  
Sorceress: Oh man, I'll just cast a TP! She cast her Town Portal  
  
**Meanwhile, in the Underground Passage leading to the Dark Woods**  
  
Assassin: How are we going to find our way in here?  
  
Barbarian: Don't know!  
  
Necromancer: Hehe! I found a little something the other day, I think it can help us!  
  
Assassin: What is it?  
  
Necromancer: It's called a map hack.  
  
Shadow Knight joined our world. Diablo's minions grow stronger.  
  
Shadow Knight: If you use the map hack, something bad will happen to you!  
  
Necromancer: Like what? I don't believe you! Go away!  
  
Shadow Knight: Fine! You were warned, don't forget I'm the one writing this!  
  
Shadow Knight has left our world. Diablo's minions weaken.  
  
Necromancer: Activate Map Hack!  
  
Barbarian: Wow! Light!  
  
Assassin: We can find our way now!  
  
They went through the passage and out in the Dark Woods. They found the tree where the scroll is in no time, thanks to the map hack. They opened a Town Portal to went back to town. The Necromancer showed the scroll to Akara who translated it, showing the order in which the stones should be touched.  
  
Necromancer: Let's go! See? Nothing bad happened and I used the map hack! I was right!  
  
Assassin: I wouldn't speak too fast... just look at yourself...  
  
The Necromancer was dressed in a bright pink dress.  
  
Barbarian: Ha! Ha! Bright pink!  
  
Necromancer: Is this an insult!? I can't even take it off!  
  
Assassin: Haha! You shouldn't have used it! She warned you! Let's join the others.  
  
Necromancer: I don't wanna go like this! I'm ashamed!  
  
The barbarian picked him up and walked through the other portal. Everybody looked at the Necromancer and chuckled.  
  
Druid: I thought you were more worthy than that, cousin spellcaster!  
  
Necromancer: I wouldn't say that with the burnt fur you have on your back!  
  
Druid: ...  
  
Rakanishu: RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAKANISHU!  
  
Barbarian: RAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! He used his warcry.  
  
Rakanishu: RAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!  
  
Barbarian: RAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  
  
Rakanishu: RAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!  
  
Amazon: Barbarians are stupid...  
  
Barbarian: Amazons are smmmmmmmooooootttttttthhhhhhh!!!!!  
  
The Sorceress grabbed the scroll and touched the stones in the right order. Lightning struck them which scared Rakanishu and other monsters away. A red portal formed in the middle of them.  
  
Assassin: Let's go!  
  
They got to Deckard and opened the cage that kept him imprisonned  
  
Assassin: Nice trap!  
  
Sorceress: D---  
  
She was interrupted by the barbarian.  
  
Barbarian: Dickard Cain, go out of here!  
  
Deckard: DECKARD!  
  
Paladin: See? We told you it's Deckard not Dickard... He opened a portal.  
  
Everybody went back to town and went to see Akara for their reward. They all received a ring. The barbarian who didn't really know what to do with it, put it on his head.  
  
Sorceress: Wow, it fits there! The circumference is really the size of his brain! Prodigious!  
  
As the Barbarian was about to go hostile...  
  
Necromancer: NEXT QUEST!!!!! 


	4. Tower Cellars and Gold (Countess Quest)

In Rogues Encampment, everybody was sitting around a fire.  
  
Sorceress: It's getting a little late, maybe we should stop this for tonight...  
  
Paladin: I agree!  
  
Necromancer: Why?! It's nightime!!!  
  
Shadow Knight has joined our world. Diablo's minions grow stronger.  
  
Necromancer: Hey you! He got up. You're the creator of this uh?! I'm afraid I have bad comments for you!  
  
Shadow Knight: Ah? Flames already and I'm not even done writing?!! ...Ok please use the flamethrower function on your left.  
  
Necromancer: ... Well, It's just that... I don't really like my clothes...  
  
Shadow Knight: You don't like bright pink?  
  
Necromancer: No.  
  
Shadow Knight: Oh, I'm sorry. Let's change that! She snapped her fingers.  
  
The Necromancer's dress turned bright purple.  
  
Necromancer: ??? This isn't any better!  
  
Shadow Knight: I made a name modification too...  
  
Tinky Winky: What?!!?!  
  
Paladin: Ha! Ha! The gay purple teletubbies!  
  
Tinky Winky: Why is it everybody always picks on me?!  
  
Shadow Knight snapped fingers and he went back to normal again.  
  
Necromancer: Finally, thank you.  
  
Assassin: Bah, let's just do the next quest now...  
  
Sorceress: The Countess! I have heard she gives good rewards in gold... We need a tome to see her story first!  
  
Amazon: It is NOT needed!  
  
Assassin: Yeah! Let's go already!  
  
Druid: You do not need another book!  
  
Necromancer: I want to go out while it's still dark!  
  
Paladin: For once, I'll agree with the Necromancer...  
  
Sorceress: What do you think, Barbarian?  
  
Barbarian: Gold! Gold reward!  
  
Sorceress: ... Thanks for supporting me.  
  
Necromancer: Then let's go to the Black Marsh kill that Countess!  
  
Shadow Knight has left out world. Diablo's minions weaken.  
  
The group went headed to the Dark Woods using the Waypoint and eventually found the Black Marsh.  
  
The entered the Tower Cellar Level 1.  
  
Paladin: It's so dark in here... Evil beasts will attack I'm sure!  
  
Necromancer: Wow... It's exactly like in my house...  
  
Barbarian: When we get there?!  
  
Sorceress: Should be soon...  
  
**Tower Cellar Level 2**  
  
Druid: My ravens don't like this place! They can't even fly high!  
  
Amazon: Who cares about your ravens? My arrows always threaten to hit the ceiling!  
  
Barbarian: When we get there?!  
  
Sorceress: Shouldn't be much longer...  
  
  
  
**Tower Cellar Level 3**  
  
Assassin: Well, I can't really set traps in here. They won't work right!  
  
Barbarian: When we get there?!  
  
Sorceress: I don't know, ok!  
  
  
  
**Tower Cellar Level 4**  
  
Everybody is quiet.  
  
Barbarian: When we get there?!  
  
No asnwer.  
  
**Tower Cellar Level 5**  
  
Barbarian: Well, when we get there?!  
  
Sorceress: IN A WHOLE LOT OF TIME!  
  
Barbarian: ...  
  
  
  
**Tower Cellar Level 6**  
  
  
  
Paladin: We have arrived, I can feel the Countess' evil presence in the next room!  
  
Sorceress: Ok guys, we're going against the Countess! Don't forget she has a big group of minions!  
  
Paladin: They're all evil! I'm sure someone will get hurt here!  
  
Barbarian: RAH! Hit! Hit!  
  
Necromancer: I suggest we all stay back while my minions and the druid's keep them busy. Then we attack.  
  
Everybody: Ok!  
  
They walked in the room and did as it was suggested. The group of evil rogues was soon slained.  
  
Paladin: well, i'm glad nobody got hurt in this fight against those fiends!  
  
The Sorceress opened the chest and a lot of gold dropped out.  
  
barbarian:Bravo! Bravo! He walked, applauding looking up in the air, heading for the chest.He tripped on a rock and fell. He got up and fell another time on the same rock.  
  
The rest of the group all took a little gold. Soon, none was left. The Barbarian looked up his face full of blood and his eyes full of tears.  
  
Barbarian: WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH.................  
  
Paladin: Almost nobody... I guess some don't even need demons to make their blood drip...  
  
Barbarian: MY GOLDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Necromancer: I think he doesn't only cry because he's hurt...  
  
Sorceress: Let's go back to town. She cast a TP. Next, the Smith! 


	5. Guide on how to slay a 'Smith'

The group went to Charsi to get their armors and weapons fixed. While they were waiting a weird character walked up to them  
  
Character: Hello there dear group of adventurers.  
  
Assassin: Hello.  
  
Character: My name is Gheed! I have everything you might need! Swords... Shields... Boots... Axes... etc... I have unidentified stuff if you wish to gamble too!  
  
Amazon: Everything we may need?! Do you have Avon products?  
  
Gheed: Avon...? I'm afraid not...  
  
Amazon: Aw, screw you then!  
  
Gheed walked away and planned to stay away from the weird people.  
  
Charsi: Go to Outer Cloister and in the Barracks and bring back my Malus ok?  
  
Everybody but Barbarian: Right!  
  
They all went back to the Black Marsh and started walking toward Tamoe Highland.  
  
Barbarian: Right!  
  
Sorceress: What?  
  
Necromancer: I think he just replied to Charsi.  
  
Amazon: You're good...  
  
They eventually found Outer Cloister... The barracks... and got to the Smith who guards the malus.  
  
Sorceress: Wait, this isn't normal. We have done all this quest and nothing funny and bad happened.  
  
Assassin: I think the author ran out of ideas!  
  
Necromancer: I wouldn't speak so fast...  
  
Paladin: Anyway, le'ts kill that evil Smith!  
  
They opened the door where the Smith is.  
  
Paladin: I know! I'll use my blessed hammers against it!  
  
He cast the hammers. They started turning around him. They hit all of his party but not the Smith. Everybody fainted but the Paladin.  
  
Paladin: Ah great!  
  
The Paladin used his life leech weapon and charge to hit him repetively.  
  
** 30 minutes later**  
  
Everybody woke up...  
  
Sorceress: This was a nice rest. She yawned.  
  
Necromancer: Let's get this malus back to Charsi.  
  
He grabbed the malus, opened a town portal and went back to town along with everybody.  
  
Assassin: Where's the Paladin?  
  
Barbarian: Got lost?  
  
Amazon: No, you didn't get lost. and I think he's smarter than you so it's impossible. Hehehe!  
  
Barbarian: ...  
  
Druid: Let's wait for him...  
  
**2 hours later**  
  
A portal opened and a Paladin full of blood walked out of it.  
  
Paladin: The evil fiend has finally died! I went to find the malus but it was already gone... We did it all for nothing.  
  
Necromancer: You did, because we already brought it back.  
  
The Paladin looked up. "You cannot complete the quest in this game. Another player completed it first."  
  
Paladin: What do I get for killing the Smith?!  
  
Everybody shook his hand, congratulating him.  
  
Amazon: We wasted enough time already! On to the next quest... The boss, Andariel... 


	6. The Waypoint and the Poison (Andariel Qu...

Sorceress: We have to go to the Catacombs...  
  
Necromancer: Where are the Catacombs?  
  
Sorceress: I don't know. It doesn't say in the book.  
  
Shadow Knight has joined our world. Diablo's minions grow stronger.  
  
Amazon: Hey! SK! Could you give us Catacombs Level 2 Waypoint?  
  
Shadow Knight: That's cheating! I can't, sorry. I'm only level 99 anyway I don't have it yet... (It's only a fic ok! ;) )  
  
Assassin: Very funny...  
  
Shadow Knight: Ok, I'll give it to you because I don't want the quest to be 10000 words long.  
  
She opened a Town Portal to Catacombs Level 2. They all entered the TP.  
  
Everybody: Thanks SK! ^_^  
  
Necromancer: Wait, that sounded childish, why did we just say that?!  
  
Shadow Knight: Because I decided it. See you!  
  
Necromancer: ...  
  
Shadow Knight has left our world. Diablo's minions weaken.  
  
Sorceress: Ok, now all we have to do is to get to level 4.  
  
They eventually found the Level 3 and 4...  
  
Barbarian: Plan?  
  
Everybody: Sorceress?!  
  
Sorceress: ... Everybody counts on me I see! Andariel has a poison attack that can make your life drop to !!!!  
  
**Dramatic Music**  
  
Paladin: We're doomed!!!!!!!!!  
  
**Dramatic Music**  
  
Necromancer: Enough with the sound effects!  
  
**Dramatic music stops and turns into Bird Chirping Music**  
  
Druid: Relaxation music!!! With animals singing! Paradise...  
  
Sorceress: DO WE KILL ANDARIEL OR WHAT?!??  
  
Barbarian: YAH! ...Plan?  
  
Sorceress: I'll get close to her and use Static Field to make her life drop by 25%. I'll use it 3 times then it won't have any effect. Then... you attack!  
  
They entered the room.  
  
Andariel: HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!  
  
Necromancer: Your laugh isn't enough evil, try... MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  
  
Andariel: MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  
  
Necromancer: Ok, better.  
  
Barbarian: Andariel Naked! Andariel cute!  
  
Paladin: Ok... I think I'll agree with you this time...  
  
They hit Andariel until she was dead. She collapsed to the ground. A portal appeared. Everybody went back to town, the Barbarian dragging Andariel's corspe behind him.  
  
Amazon: What are you doing with this?  
  
Barbarian: Andariel..... ssssmmmmmmooooooooottthhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! Andariel owns no spear!  
  
Amazon: Ah, should have guessed...  
  
Warriv: The Caravan is prepared, you may now travel to Lut Gholein!  
  
Everybody: YAY!!!!!!!! ACT 2!!!!!  
  
**End of Act 1 Scenario... Please review!!!** 


	7. Radament Hotline (Radament Quest)

**In the Caravan, on their way to Lut Gholein**  
  
Barbarian: Me be sick...  
  
Paladin: I knew someone would get sick on the road!!! It's evil!!!  
  
Necromancer: Go slay it then!  
  
Paladin: ...  
  
The Barbarian threw up on the Amazon.  
  
Amazon: YUCK! YOU PIG!!!!!  
  
Barbarian: Hmm... He frowned. Amazon not smoooooottttthhh anymore...  
  
Amazon: ... Hmm... Barbarian not smarter. She said, mocking him.  
  
**They arrived in Lut Gholein.**  
  
The Amazon went to clean herself and the rest were all around the chest but the Assassin. They all grouped up a little later.  
  
Assassin: I've got a mission... I talked to some girl Atma, she gave it to me. We have to sneak into the sewers and kill the king monster named Radament there so townfolks can take over and rule the town under their total control once more.  
  
Paladin: Never! We would do such a disgraceful vilain act!  
  
Barbarian: He got gold?!?  
  
Sorceress: Does he have some spellbooks or artifacts?  
  
Amazon: It's a man. He deserves to die!  
  
Druid: His town is an offence to nature!  
  
Necromancer: Can I keep his soul?  
  
Paladin: HAAAAAaaaa go to hell, all of you!!!!  
  
Assassin: God I love this group... Let's go!  
  
They entered the Sewers.  
  
Amazon: It smells as good in here as it did when the Barbarian was sick on me!  
  
Paladin: Well Necromancer? This place is dark, with skeletons and stuff and you didn't say anything yet?  
  
Necromancer: No, this does not smell like my house... and I don't wanna live here!  
  
Barbarian: Smell ugly...  
  
Assassin: Deja-vu, Barbarian...  
  
Druid: Let's get going, I don't wanna stay here for too long...  
  
They hurried to Sewers Level 2, then 3... and found Radament and his army of Skeletons.  
  
Amazon: How come all important enemies are spellcasters and summoner?!  
  
Druid: Because the other classes are not enough important.  
  
Amazon: You want a hole in your foot too?!  
  
Necromancer: Wow a colleague Necromancer! He summons and curses! I don't want to slay him, he's cool!  
  
Assassin: Well we must!  
  
Necromancer: Hey Radament. He pushed all the skeletons away and walked to him. I have a question for you.  
  
Radament: uh?  
  
Necromancer: You see, I use the spell Iron Maiden in fights. Think I should use any other curses?  
  
Radament: Ah! You should use Life Tap too!  
  
Necromancer: Really? Should I use Lower Resists as well?  
  
Radament: Yeah! I crushed a group of people with that!  
  
Necromancer: Oh yeah, I forgot you were the bad guy here and that our job is to kill you.  
  
Radament: Hey you're right, why do I even speak to you?! Where's my army?!  
  
Sorceress: Dead.  
  
The Assassin and Barbarian attacked Radament at the same time, killing him in a few hits.  
  
Paladin: Necro, why do you always befriend the foe?  
  
Necromancer: Because they're better than you!  
  
Paladin: ...  
  
Amazon : You've reached Radament hotline! 1-800-Radamnt for all Necros in trouble! 1 gold piece the minute  
  
A Tp noise filled the room.  
  
Necromancer has expressed hostility toward Amazon.  
  
Amazon: Was a joke! Cool down!  
  
Necromancer: .  
  
Necromancer is not longer hostile toward Amazon.  
  
He went back through the TP.  
  
Sorceress: Look! Over here! I found 7 books of skill for us! They are said to let us choose one free skills!  
  
Everybody took the skill book but the Barbarian.  
  
Druid: What's wrong, Barb? Take the book.  
  
Barbarian: Worthless book!  
  
Sorceress: Books aren't worthless! ...Why do you think that?  
  
Barbarian: Me can't read! Me can't have skill!  
  
The Amazon grabbed the book and smacked in on the Barbarian's head. It disappeared.  
  
Amazon: That's how you do it for Barbarians.  
  
Sorceress: According to my strategy guide, the next quest is the long and annoying quest 2; getting the Horadric Staff...  
  
Necromancer: Let's get outta here!  
  
Tp back to town... 


	8. The Loooooooonggggggg Annoying Quest (Th...

Sorceress: Ok, in the book it says the Horadric Staff is formed of a shaft and an amulet for the head. The shaft is the Staff of King which is under the Far Oasis and the amulet is the amulet of the viper found in the valley of snakes near the Lost City. We have to assemble it using the Horadric Cube. It is in the Halls of the dead in the Dry Hills!  
  
Everybody fell asleep...  
  
Everybody: ZZZZZZ.......ZZZZZ...........ZZZZZZ.............  
  
Sorceress: HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Amazon: Hmm... What would we do without the nerd with us?  
  
Sorceress: You'd be stuck! You wouldn't know where to go!  
  
Assassin: Well, we could always ask what to do...  
  
Sorceress: I'm not gonna say anything anymore then!  
  
Everybody: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Paladin: I suggest we split up, it will go faster.  
  
Sorceress: Paladin, Necromancer, Barbarian and Druid you get the amulet. Bigger group because it's far away. I'll go with the Amazon to get the staff and Assassin, you go alone for the cube.  
  
Assassin: Why alone?  
  
Sorceress: Because it's the easiest part of the quest!  
  
Assassin: Ah... right!  
  
Sorceress: Ok! Let's get going!  
  
Everybody: Right!  
  
All the group went out in the Rocky Waste. Whatever part of quest they were on, they all had to pass by there. They were beginning to think the weather was a bit... warm...  
  
Druid: It's kind of hot in here...  
  
Barbarian: Hot but Amazon hotter!  
  
Amazon: WILL YOU EVER STOP?!?! She sighed  
  
Assassin: Damn! The sweat dripping down my arms is rolling to my claws! Under the sun, they will stain!  
  
Paladin: Make sure you buy stainless ones next time, Maybe go back to the Rogues Encampment and talk to Gheed he must have some!  
  
Assassin: Too far...  
  
They entered the Dry Hills and the Assassin left the group to find the Halls of the Dead. They continued their way to Far Oasis where the Sorceress and Amazon left. The rest of the group went on to Lost City.  
  
Necromancer: I'm so glad to be working with you, Pal. His voice was pretty sarcastic.  
  
Paladin: Oh me too! Look over there! The Valley of Snakes!  
  
The sky suddenly got dark as they walked in.  
  
Druid: Great, what just happened? We don't have the nerd with us to answer with her strategy guide!  
  
Barbarian: Me have guide! Me stole it!  
  
Paladin: No! Stealing is not right! It's bad!!! I'll have to punish you for your selfish behavior!  
  
Necromancer: Shut up! It's a good thing, at least we'll know what just happened.  
  
Paladin: ... Good point... He sighed  
  
Druid: According to the book, when we will enter the Claw Viper Temple, we will destroy an atlar that will restore the light.  
  
Paladin: Ah ok, then let's do it.  
  
They entered the Temple...  
  
Druid: I don't like snakes!  
  
Necromancer: They're animals! Aren't you supposed to like them!  
  
Druid: I'm not a normal Druid ok!  
  
**30 minutes later**  
  
Barbarian: We're lost!  
  
Druid: Good constation...  
  
Paladin: Hey Necro! Are you sure you don't want to use the map hack to find our way? He laughed.  
  
Necromancer: ... Very funny  
  
Barbarian: RAH! Me found the way! Level... He tought... 1...3...2...5...4... Level 3 over there!  
  
Paladin: After 1 is 2...  
  
Druid: We don't care!  
  
They entered a room filled with snakes and started attacking.  
  
Necromancer: Those demon snakes are a piece of cake! My skeletons are shredding them to pieces!  
  
Paladin: My Fists of the Heavens shock them to death!  
  
Druid: My wolves only leaves their bones!  
  
Necromancer: I make the corpses explode with the spell Corspe Explosion!  
  
Paladin: My aura Fanaticism adds damage, attack speed and attack rating to all!  
  
Druid: My bear smashes them to bits!  
  
Necromancer: My poison makes their blood consume itself!  
  
Druid: I strike from air using by unstoppable ravens!  
  
Barbarian: Hit with Swords!!!  
  
Druid, Necromancer and Paladin : ...  
  
Necromancer: You know I never saw your true value as a companion  
  
Druid: So true...  
  
Paladin: I agree with you, Necro. Rare uh!?  
  
Barbarian: Wha?  
  
Druid: Nothing...  
  
**Meanwhile, in the Halls of the Dead**  
  
Assassin: Well, I'm holding the cube, it's true this part of quest was easy!  
  
**At the same time, in the Maggot Lair**  
  
Amazon: How many levels are there in this lair?  
  
Sorceress: I don't know, I'll check in my strategy gui.... AH SOMEONE STOLE IT!  
  
Amazon: Aw, screw it...  
  
They ran into a bbbbigggggggg worm surrounded by smaller ones...  
  
Sorceress: I can't have its name and what it does but, according to my knowledge, that's the boss.  
  
Amazon: You're bright! SSSSSSSTRIKEEEEEE!!!!!!!!  
  
The Amazon destroyed the big worm and the others before the Sorceress had time to do anything. Goey stuff flew all over her.  
  
Amazon: EWWWW! Gross!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Sorceress: Here's the staff!!!  
  
**Back to the Claw Viper Temple**  
  
Druid: Let's crush the atlar!  
  
The Necromancer hits it with his wand... he hits again.... again... nothing happens.  
  
Necromancer: ...  
  
Barbarian: RAH! Me do it!!!  
  
He smashes the atlar in one hit with his sword.  
  
Necromancer: ...Ok... wands are not made to hit...  
  
All the group headed back to town.  
  
Sorceress: Finally done! Who took my book?!  
  
Necromancer: The Barbarian did, here I have it.  
  
She grabbed it back from it and started talking to it.  
  
Sorceress: Poor little bookie... I hope they didn't hurt you... mommy is there now... She hugged it.  
  
Amazon: I have goo on my clothes but I think it got to her brain...  
  
Assassin: LET'S END THIS DAMN QUEST!  
  
They put the staff back together.  
  
Druid: Next...? 


	9. THE Strategy. (Summoner/Horazon's Journa...

Sorceress: The next quest is the EVIL SUMMONER!!!  
  
Necromancer: Yay!  
  
Amazon: Try not to start a conversation with him this time.  
  
Necromancer: ...  
  
Shadow Knight has joined our world. Diablo's minions grow stronger.  
  
Paladin: What do you want this time?!  
  
Shadow Knight: Nothing! It has been a while since I came, I'm sure the readers were starting to miss me!  
  
Necromancer: I sure didn't... He whispered.  
  
Shadow Knight: What did you say?!  
  
Necromancer: Nothing!!!!!!!  
  
Shadow Knight: I was going to help you but screw this! I'm going, see you!  
  
Shadow Knight has left our world. Diablo's minions all close their fists and extend their middle fingers at the Necromancer.  
  
Paladin: Look what you did! You made the author mad!  
  
Necromancer: ...  
  
Sorceress: According to my guide, we have to go through the Palace then we activate the portal there and we enter it... then through Arcane Sanctuary to find the Summoner.  
  
Druid: Let's get going!  
  
The group did as they were supposed to and arrived in the middle of the Arcane Sanctuary.  
  
Sorceress: This place actually distorts reality! Prodigious!  
  
Amazon: Wow! it's beautiful! I feel like in a cartoon!  
  
Necromancer: The sky is dark so I like it.  
  
Druid: The sky is filled with bright stars... My ravens can finally fly freely! I love nature!  
  
Paladin: It has 'sanctuary' in its name... I'm sure holy can rule over this place!  
  
Assassin: Phew, at least it's not as warm as the desert from earlier... My claws should be ok!  
  
Barbarian: ME NO LIKE THIS PLACE! PLACE NOT NORMAL!  
  
Everybody: ...  
  
Sorceress: Well, we can go East, West, North or South. To decide, let's vote! I say East!  
  
Druid: West!  
  
Amazon: North!  
  
Necromancer: East!  
  
Paladin: South!  
  
Assassin: North!  
  
Sorceress: Well what do we do? North or East?  
  
Paladin: Wait! Our Barbarian friend didn't vote, he will decide! Barbarian, which way?  
  
Barbarian: THE PORTAL!!! ME NO LIKE IT HERE!!!  
  
Sorceress: ... Let's go North...  
  
The group went North and arrived at the end of the road. They didn't find anything. They decided to go East... still nothing... West; nothing...  
  
Paladin: I told you South was the right way!  
  
Necromancer: Shut up, let's go!  
  
They went South... Our heros arrived at the Summoner and moved back quickly.  
  
Everybody: Plan!?  
  
Sorceress: Hehe! You called me? Ok. This warlock is quite bright and powerful... A simple spell can't kill him and his armor is too strong for our weapons. If he gets us we're done for! Only one mighty blow of our big friend here can slay him...  
  
Barbarian: hehehe... Wha?  
  
Sorceress: You hit him when he has his back turned on you. Got it?  
  
Barbarian: After intense reflexion... YEAH!  
  
Sorceress: Paladin, you blind him with an electric spell and hit his helm with your shield.  
  
Paladin: Right.  
  
Sorceress: Then the Amazon throws a spear behind his feet to make him trip.  
  
Amazon: Right.  
  
Sorceress: Then when he tries to get up, the Necromancer sends all his skeletons and his golem and the Druid all his wolves and his bear on him.  
  
Necromance & Druid: Right.  
  
Sorceress: That occupied, he won't see me throw a spell to freeze him. Then our Barbarian cut his head off!  
  
Assassin: What do I do?  
  
Sorceress: You stay away and if anything goes wrong, use a TP and go back to town to get us some help.  
  
Assassin: Ok, right.  
  
Sorceress: Ok??  
  
Almost everyone: RIGHT! ... .... Barbarian: YEAH! RIGHT!  
  
Sorceress: Adventurers!  
  
Everybody: Go!  
  
Sorceress: Adventurers!  
  
Everybody: Go!  
  
Sorceress: Adventurer!  
  
Everybody: Go! Go! Go!  
  
Necromancer: I hate the author, she makes us do stupid stuff! We're not a baseball team!  
  
They got to the warlock. The Paladin blurred his vision but got kicked back from a backhand slap. The Amazon threw and missed the ground behind him. He turned around and cast a firewall that forced her to move back. The Druid and Necromancer's minions attacked simultaneously but some were afraid of the flames cast by the warlock and the skeletons break themselves on his armor. The sorceress desperatly cast her frozen orb but the Summoner's armor reflected it and it hit the ground. The Warlock cast an iceblast on the Necromancer and Druid to freeze them. He, then, walked to the sorceress for a little fun but tripped on the ice formed by the spell the sorceress missed. He fell and broke his neck. All his spells wore off. Everybody got up, whining...  
  
Sorceress: Well... That wasn't so bad, was it?  
  
Almost everybody else: GRRRRRRRRRR.  
  
Barbarian: He scratched his head. Wha?  
  
Assassin: This is the funniest things I've ever seen!  
  
Druid: Did you take this strategy from your strategy guide, Sorceress?!  
  
Sorceress: Erm, no... I tried to make this one up...  
  
Everybody: WELL NEXT TIME DON'T!  
  
Assassin: HAHAHAHAH.....  
  
Sorceress: Look! There's a book there. It's the Horazon's Journal! It is said that this book holds the secret to open a portal to the Canyon of the Magi, where the boss is! I'll read it:  
  
"Seekers of the tomb of Tal Rasha, will find it through the portal..."  
  
She stopped.  
  
Sorceress: How come everytime I try to read something, the Barbarian's voice comes up and replaces mine?  
  
Necromancer: Because the creator of the game thought your voice was annoying, so he picked the Barbarian's even though he cannot read...  
  
Barbarian: Uh?  
  
Sorceress: ...  
  
Paladin: A red portal appeared! Let's go! 


	10. Between Angels and Insects (Duriel)

They all stepped through the Portal but the Sorceress.  
  
Assassin: ARGH! Desert again!   
  
Amazon: Hey tomboy! Shut up.  
  
The Sorceress arrived.  
  
Sorceress: There are false tombs but the real tomb is the one with the triangle symbol at the entrance.  
  
Barbarian: ME FIND TRIANGLE!  
  
He ran away to find the tomb with the triangle.  
  
Druid: I think he was proud, he understood a part of our quests...  
  
Amazon: I told you men are stupid!  
  
Sorceress: All in the muscles, nothing in the head.  
  
Assassin: At least he can lift something heavier than a book...  
  
Sorceress: FROZEN OR---  
  
Necromancer: Should we let him get lost?  
  
Paladin: Stop being so mean to our companion! He may save our life someday!  
  
Sorceress: That day, I'll burn my books...  
  
Paladin: Let's follow him!  
  
They found the tomb with the triangle sign and entered.  
  
Paladin: This place is wide! There are many foes around here! Let's be careful!  
  
They started killing stuff in the tomb.  
  
Druid: What are we looking for in here anyway?  
  
Necromancer: We're looking for a place in which to put the staff.  
  
Sorceress: How do you know that?!  
  
Necromancer: I read over your shoulder...  
  
They arrived to the place.  
  
Amazon: So, who has the staff now?  
  
They all remained quiet.   
  
Sorceress: ...?  
  
Barbarian: Well, me had staff... Me lost staff!  
  
Everybody else: SSSSSKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Shadow Knight has joined our world. Diablo's minions grow stronger.  
  
Necromancer: Make the Barbarian more intelligent or we'll hostile you!  
  
Shadow Knight: You forgot I'm level 99, here's a staff for you guys. I don't want you to do it again. It was boring! BYE!  
  
Shadow Knight has left our world. Diablo's minions weaken.  
  
Assassin: Ok! She put the staff in its place then backed away.  
  
Lightning struck the wall, destroying it, opening a hole to Tal Rasha's Chamber.  
  
Barbarian: WHY WE USED STAFF?!!?! My axes can cut rock like lightning!  
  
Sorceress: Strategy...  
  
Everybody: NO!  
  
Sorceress: I don't care! The boss is called Duriel he's a big insect monster has a freezing aura and does a lot of damage. He can also poison! Suggestions?  
  
A bee passing by could be heard...  
  
Sorceress: Ok, as I thought... Let's see.  
  
Amazon: I'm not going against a bug-type monster again! Too gooey!  
  
Assassin: Too girly...  
  
Barbarian: STRATEGY! WE HIT, HIT HIT, MONSTER DIES! ACT 2 DONE! RAH!  
  
Everybody but Sorceress: Ok!  
  
They entered the room but the Amazon stayed in the other... The Barbarian took part of his life away with his swords. The Sorceress slowed him down with a frozen orb then she used firewall to damage him. The Assassin stabbed him several times with her claws. The Necromancer and Druid sent their minions and attacked from away. The Paladin charged at him with his war hammer.   
  
Paladin was slained by Duriel.  
  
Sorceress was slained by Duriel.  
  
Barbarian was slained by Duriel.  
  
Assassin was slained by Duriel.  
  
Druid was slained by Duriel.  
  
Necromancer was slained by Duriel.  
  
The Amazon entered the room and shot a single arrow at the monster, killing him in one hit since he didn't have much life left.  
  
Necromancer: Damn! He didn't have much life left, we almost had him!  
  
Sorceress: At least, with MY strategies we don't die!  
  
Paladin: Wait, what's this?!  
  
'Quest Completed'  
  
Amazon: HAHA, I'm the only smart one! I'm the only one who didn't die! I got the items he dropped!  
  
Amazon was slained by poison.  
  
Amazon: ...  
  
Sorceress: Corpes all!  
  
They went back to get their corspes.  
  
Necromancer: Holy triumphs once more!  
  
Paladin: THAT'S MY LINE!  
  
Necromancer: Shadow Knight, I hate you! Stop making me say crazy stuff!  
  
A blinding light filled the room an archangel appeared slowly fell from the top of the room.  
  
Archangel: Greetings, I am the archangel Tyrael...  
  
The Paladin got down on his knees and bowed, under Tyrael  
  
Paladin: AN ARCHANGEL!!!!!!  
  
Necromancer: ...  
  
The wires that were holding Tyrael broke and he fell on the Paladin.  
  
Shadow Knight has joined our world. Diablo's minions grow stronger.  
  
Shadow Knight: Sorry about that! I ran out of budget for this part... She laughed nervously.  
  
Paladin: ...  
  
Shadow Knight has left our world. Diablo's minions weaken.  
  
Assassin: Anyway, let's go talk to Meshif, the boat guy and then we sail to Kurast Docks! 


End file.
